THIS IS AN ARTICLE THAT I CONTRIBUTED TO A WHILE AGO THAT I FOUND ON THE INTERNET
Talking to Strangers
Nerve asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
D.R.E.S. Tha BEATnik
What do you do for a living?
I am an MC, human beat-boxer, and live-concert host.
Has that ever got you laid?
As a matter of fact, it has.
The craziest story I have took place in Xxxxxx, XX. I was actually at a club as a resident, and the nightclub put us up in a house as opposed to a hotel. So one of the nights I get done with my set, and one these ladies kept flirting, and flirting, and flirting. I'm like cool, whatever, I'm working, I'm doing my shit. So I get done about three o'clock in the morning. I get in the house about five, and like all the lights were off — but they were on when we left. I was like, oh shit, somebody broke into the house. So I'm turning the lights on and checking what's going on and I go in my bedroom and there is this young lady, naked, in my bed waiting with candles! I'm like what the hell?
Did you know her?
No, I did not know her. I'm like yeah, no, this is work, this is a black man in an Xxxxx land and I'm American; shit can happen. I don't want to be Michael Fay, that's all I'm saying. So I'm like, "You gotta go." She said no and just dropped to her knees and started blowing me right there in the middle of the room. And I'm like maybe...
Maybe you can stay.
Maybe you can stay for a second. And then I'm like, you know, maybe I can get in, get off, get done. So I'm like, the least I can do is buy you breakfast or something. And she's like, ugh, no no, and got up, put her clothes on, and left. I was like, before you leave at least take some of this: I tried to give her some mouthwash. At first she tried to refuse it, but I was like no, you need to take this. So she took a few swigs, gargled, and spit, 'cause I don't need a Tiger Woods walking around in Xxxxx as the result of a blowjob.
Did you ever find out where she came from?
It turns out someone who didn't like her had sent the girl to my place to try to get me "caught up," so it got nipped in the bud and a few days later I found out who.
What do you like in a lady?
Above all, intelligence, a sense of humor. After that it gets physical. I love long hair, a beautiful face — size or body type does not matter to me. I'm attracted to faces and hair. I'm not a booty man, but after that I'm into titties. Ds are better; I like to motor boat.
Do you have a weakness? Is there something where you are like, "Oh fuck, I'm going to fall for this one."
A woman who loves the Philadelphia Eagles, that's it. I'm from Philly originally. If she can name a player pre-Randall Cunningham — if she was like, "Bill Bergey was the shit" — I would be like, fuck, you know about Bill Bergey? Shit, oh oh oh. My knees would get weak and all of a sudden I would be like, I don't know what we are doing, but I have to fuck you right now. Who cares if we are in public.
Have you ever hard especially good dates or bad dates?
Not ones I'm about to indulge. Let's just say Seattle, Washington, is a great city.